HumorousQuotes's Xanga

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 22:20:11 GMT

"The truck man, the trash man, and the policeman on the corner may call me Alice, but you may not."
Alice Roosevelt Longworth, to Senator Joseph McCarthy

"California's a wonderful place to live- if you happen to be orange."
Fred Allen

Sorry its so short.... I'm make another one someday..

Monday, June 11, 2007

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:56:39 GMT

"Life is the art of drawing sufficents conclusions from insufficents premises."
Samuel Butler

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of a fool, rather than to open it and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln

"True friends stab you in the front."
Oscar Wilde

"Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied."
Mark Twain

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Wed, 16 May 2007 19:36:45 GMT

Problem: "I'd really like to be Benjamin Franklin but I don't have that kind of time!"

Solution: TRY INSTANT BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

"For when you need to be Benjamin Franklin RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW"

"The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
General George Patton

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Woody Allen

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking fivemiles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where the hell she is. "
Ellen DeGeneris

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
Rita Rudner

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
Carol Leifer

"Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. "
Tim Allen

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sun, 13 May 2007 02:43:30 GMT

"War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography".

Ambrose Bierce

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

Dave Barry

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."

General Douglas MacArthur

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Mark Twain

like holy snapples, where is your dignity, man?!

Do girls really think that's cute nowadays? Is that a turn-on? Is it some sort of fanservice? It frightens me... GIT IT AWAY!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 19:25:51 GMT

"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon."
Bill Hirst

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
George Bernard Shaw

"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
Guy Davenport

Friday, April 06, 2007

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 21:52:53 GMT

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
E. E Cummings

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
Unknown

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 20:35:11 GMT

"I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!"
Stephen Colbert

"Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours."
Jon Stewart, on President Bush's speech about NASCAR promoting values

"Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly."
Mr. Krabs

"I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special."
George, "The Good Samaritan"

Friday, March 30, 2007

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 19:36:59 GMT

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.' "
Sam Levenson

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. "
Jackie Mason

"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it."
Garrison Keillor

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 19:59:59 GMT

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs blaming the humans."
Jay Leno

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
Milton Berle

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
Douglas Adams

Monday, February 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 22:51:38 GMT

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
Oscar Wilde

"I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."
Andy Glibb

"Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way."
Jane Austen

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."
Mahatma Gandhi

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that."
Bill Shankly