"Life is the art of drawing sufficents conclusions from insufficents premises."
Samuel Butler

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought of a fool, rather than to open it and remove all doubt."
Abraham Lincoln

"True friends stab you in the front."
Oscar Wilde

"Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied."
Mark Twain

"For when you need to be Benjamin Franklin RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW"

"The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's slipped up somewhere."
David Frost

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."
General George Patton   

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." 
Woody Allen

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking fivemiles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where the hell she is. "
Ellen DeGeneris

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. "
Rita Rudner

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."
Carol Leifer

"Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. "
Tim Allen

"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon."
Bill Hirst

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
George Bernard Shaw

"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
Guy Davenport